Travelogue 11: Leadership, Rebellion, & Forgiveness

As an eldest child, I have frequently played the role of Rebel Without a Cause. From my earliest recollection, I was always pretty sure (who am I kidding, I was absolutely sure) I knew better than my parents. That whole part in the Bible about wives submitting to their husbands- uh, I like to just gloss over that.  Submitting to authority is not easy for me.

Furthermore, I’m pretty good at what I do. I’m an educator for a healthcare provider.  I have training responsibility for about 300 people. Most days, I operate at a high-level of self-efficacy (translation; I think I’m pretty hot stuff).

To NOT be the lead trainer, and to succumb (er, submit) to another leader has been frustrating for me.  Yesterday, I was at my limit. A couple of times I either stomped off or snapped back. This is not pretty behavior in a 47-year-old leadership apprentice.

First, let me start by saying, our leader is a fine and honorable man. I have no doubt he would lay down his life for a member of our team. He checks in daily with everyone to make sure they are doing okay. He always takes the worst seat in the van and then, in a gentlemanly manner, extends his hand to help you out of the vehicle. In spite of illness and injury, when other men might have given up and gone to bed, this guy has been working every day. I’m sure this is the leader God chose for me to have on this trip and yet…

We are very different. He is an engineer. He is a man’s man—the father of 2 sons who worked in the oil industry, on oil rigs, much of his career… He is analytical and yet, he flies by the seat of his pants. He appears to value the construction side of the project more than the educational side. He reviews my budgeting work and then says “This can’t be right.” Well, gee, no kidding, I don’t even balance my checkbook. Are you getting the picture? This is a ying meets yang situation people.

I haven’t processed what all this means but a couple of thoughts:

1. I have a big ego that needs to be kept in check. Part of submitting is acknowledging the value and the authority of the leader’s role. Just writing about his positive characteristics above made me feel more warmly toward him.  I’m a leadership apprentice but this trip has made me realize how challenging that role actually is….clearly, you can’t make everyone happy.
2. Leaders need to mind the 10/90 rule. For every negative or even neutral comment given, a trainee needs nine positive comments. Apprentices who are normally very competent in the real world are very fragile in this strange and foreign role. This is an area I need to work on as do other leaders.
3. Confrontation is hard.  It’s easier for me to just to stay angry, to mutter, and complain (even if it’s just on the inside) or worse, just shut down.  Right now, this morning, I need to go my leader and ask forgiveness.  It’s not because we disagree, it’s because of the anger I feel. 

This past two weeks, God keeps bringing my limitations to me. Yesterday’s work group presented devotions from Genesis. They read the story of how Jacob went to Esau to ask forgiveness. Like Christ, Esau ran to Jacob, he forgave him readily, and asked nothing in return.

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